One day in heaven, George Bush saw Moses & walked up to him. When he tried to say hi Moses ran off. The next day George Bush saw Moses again. He then tried to say hi, but he sped off again. The next day when George Bush saw Moses he asked him. " How come every time i try to say hi to you, you run off?" Moses replied," Last time I saw a bush, I was stuck in the desert for 40 years."

I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK 1. I can see your point, but I still think you are full of shit. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is NEVER good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. Ahhh....I see the screw-you fairy has visited us again. 11. I have plenty of talen

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed, and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did as he was told and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his desk, with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she tol

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.) Remote controls in hotels are the worst! (Always carry your Lysol spray!) An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -- while you slept! Annually you will shake hands with 6 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. Annually you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. In a lifetime 22 nosey workmen doing work in your home, will have examined the

A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can

Cows Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they can track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment!

1. George Washington isn't the first president. He was the first elected president. 2. Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women. 3. It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidently planted by squirrels who bury nuts and forget where they hid them. 4. Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel,"Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words--none of them with the letter "E". 5. Of all the words in the English laguage, the word "set" has the most definitions. 6. A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans. 7. Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States. 8. The sun is 330,330 times larger than the Earth. 9. A mole can dig

how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but I don't know how they got in there!