Why is it so hard to make a blond snowman??? Because you have to hollow out its head!!!!!

Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.

A handsome mid-age couple, John and Gail, like living in Texas. Even though they have lived in Texas most of their married life John never had a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale at Sheplers one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Gail looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated John storms off in to the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Gail looks up and says, "John, what's different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be h

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither the Browns nor the Steelers made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. So on a cold freezing day on Lake Erie they began their contest. The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Browns had caught 0 fish and the Steelers had 100. At the end of the 2nd day the Browns had caught 0 fish and the Steelers 200. That evening the Browns coach

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed. 4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house. 5. I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up. 6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick. 7. I will not throw up in the car. 8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell. 9. "Kitty box crunchies" , although they are tasty, are not food. 10 I will not eat any

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument!

A mugger approached a very well-dressed and dignified lawyer on a deserted street one night: "Gimme your wallet and the keys to your car!" The lawyer shook his head and said in a patronizing tone: "Do you have ANY idea what it's like to walk in my shoes or wear my clothes? I have more responsibility than you could imagine. I have a family and a firm with a hundred employees. I am in charge of it all! Look at these clothes! Do you know what I have to earn to WEAR a $3,000 suit like this? Look at this fifty dollar necktie! And these cufflinks! Now try to imagine what it is like to walk in these thousand dollar shoes! If you DID know, you would not mug me!" The mugger looked at the pinstripe

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that, and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's wh

Three men die and go to hell. There is a white guy, a Polish guy, and a black guy. The devil makes a deal with the three men. He tells them if they can stand on his hand for 10 days without melting he will give them their lives back. So the three men agree to the deal and stand on his hand. After only 2 days the white guy melts and after the 4th day the Polish guy melts also. The devil thinks this is going to be a piece of cake. "Two down and one to go", he tells the black man. But after 10 days the black man is still standing strong. The devil asks him how this is possible and the man replies, "Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand."

What do you call a black person that wants to be and acts just like Jackie Chan? Blackie Chan

A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help. "I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady. "For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully. "Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest."

A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant. "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?" "May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?" "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"