Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid. It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean. The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids. The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid woul

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last ca

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the ba

+ You dance and it makes the band skip. + You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. + You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. + Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." + You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. + You could sell shade. + Your blood type is Ragu. + You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

This guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any specials today?" The bartender replies,  "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka." The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?"    The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their clients in the dark!

You're so slow that if you were a train engine, the caboose would be leading.

Why did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!

There are these kids at school, each bragging about how they ruined something in an amount of time. 1st kid: I wore out a pair of shoes in 1 month. 2nd kid: I wore out a pair of jeans in 1 week. 3rd kid: Oh that's nothing, I wore out my babysitter in 5 minutes!

Teacher: Can you pay a little attention to this lesson?! Pupil: I am trying my best to pay as little attention as I can!!

I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance

Did you hear about all the Wal-Marts being taken out of Afghanistan? Yeah thet're putting in Targets!