Q: What do you call a schizophrenic Buddhist? A: Someone who is at two with the universe.

Knock knock Who's there? Mayonaise Mayonaise who? Mayonaise a lot of jokes on this website.

What is the difference between a drunk and a druggie? Drunks run a stop sign and druggies stop at it and wait till it turns green.

Shannon received a phone call from the foreman plant that her husband worked at. He sounded grim and she immediately knew something was wrong. "What happened? Is Patrick all right? Please tell me he's ok," she said. The man on the line said, "Shannon, there was an accident at the brewery and your husband is . . . dead." "Oh my goodness, what happened?" Shannon asked. The foreman replied, "He fell into a vat of beer." "Did he at least die quickly?" sobbed Shannon. The man paused, then said, "Well, no . . . he got out three times to use the bathroom."

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He knew how to swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any alligators around here?" The beachcomber shouted back, "Nah! We ain't seen gators in these parts for years." Feeling safe, the tourist began swimming leisurely towards the shore. About halfway there, he shouted, "Hey, how'd you get rid of the alligators?" The beachcomber said, "We didn't do anything. The sharks got 'em."

Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where's pop corn?

You're so stupid you got locked in an open convertibale car.

Yo momma is so fat. She has more ass than a donkey farm.

Yo momma so dumb she took back the donut because it had a hole in it!

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know. They can't get the dead one out.

Some items have the strangest directions/ warnings. Here are a few I've noticed. On a toilet plunger: Do not use as an umbrella. On a carton of milk: May contain dairy products. On a tricycle: Will hurt if on top of someone. On popcorn: Will pop if heated. On candy: Directions: Take of wrapper, insert into mouth, chew, and swallow. (No, really?) On bean bags used for juggling: Do not eat. On lunchmeat: Do not mistake as toilet paper. On Gameboy: To play,you must have a thumb. After computer error: Keyboard malfunction, press enter to continue. On coke bottle: Do not try to insert head. On skateboard: May move if rode on. On shampoo bottle: Warning: May create a lather. Roadsign:

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit ? A: The bucket.