A South African, an Australian and an Englishman are all drinking in a bar. Suddenly, the South African downs the remainder of his drink, tosses his glass in the air, draws his pistol and shoots the glass. "In South Africa our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice," he says proudly. The Australian, who is obviously impressed by this, downs his drink, tosses his glass, draws his gun and shoots the glass. "In Australia we've got so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice," he says. The Englishman pauses to give this some thought, then downs his drink, casually tosses his glass into the air, draws his gun, and shoots

1.(Of course) Laugh hysterically and for no reason. 2. Pretend you holding something like a small knife and swing at the air as if you are trying to cut something. If someone asks, say you were misinterpreted or deny the whole thing. 3. Wear headphones everywhere you go, leaving the plug dangling out, easily seen, and then stationary knod, as if to a beat. Pretend not to hear anyone unless they touch you to get you attention. Periodically forget to take off headphones when you are touched and act confused when you cannot hear them. 4. Sit in front of a library computer and twitch your eyelid for 20 seconds, the get up and browse the fiction E section. Repeat. 5. Sit in front of a public

Your mama's so old, she farted and dust came out.

Your mama's so ugly, she stuck her face out the window and cops pulled her over for mooning.

Yo Momma is so fat she put on a red coat, walked outside, and everyone started yelling, "Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid"

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half d

A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms. When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away. "What did you do that for?" he asked her. "I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.

Jerry: So you have both a nice mommy and a pretty mommy? Steve: Yup. They're lesbians.

Hey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale!

Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs? A. Because you might step in a poodle.

If brains were fuel, you wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the edge of a penny.

Why didn't the zombie cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!