A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can

Cows Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they can track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment!

1. George Washington isn't the first president. He was the first elected president. 2. Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women. 3. It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidently planted by squirrels who bury nuts and forget where they hid them. 4. Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel,"Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words--none of them with the letter "E". 5. Of all the words in the English laguage, the word "set" has the most definitions. 6. A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans. 7. Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States. 8. The sun is 330,330 times larger than the Earth. 9. A mole can dig

how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but I don't know how they got in there!

A little guy is seated next to a big guy at a bar and asks his name. The big guy says, "They call me Tex." The little guy replies, "Oh, you must be from Texas." The big guy says, "Nope. I'm from Louisiana." "Hmmm," the little guy replies, "Then why do they call you Tex?" The big guy looks down at him and says, "Would you like to try calling me Louise?"

1.Keep your lights blinking for a whole hour. 2.Go really slow on a highway. 3.Smile and wave at everyone that you see at a stoplight. 4.Turn your radio up while playing opera music. 5.When stopping at a stop sign run out of your car and look to see if any cars are coming then yell, "It's all clear!" 6.When coming to a speed bump, get out and say "My car won't make it!" then try to push it over the bump. 7.At every stoplight, run out and check your tires and yell, "Don't worry it's OK!" 8.Take a sponge and a bucket of water and pull over to wash the bugs off the car every time you see one. 9.Fill the back seats with plastic bags, put the windows down, and drive around really fast. 10.Change

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 5. Do I look like a freakin' people person? 6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 9. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 10. You! Off my planet! 11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. 12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 15. Suburbia: where they te

You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read ''Please allow up to 28 days for delivery.''

Your cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back!

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. She went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."