Top Jokes
1st SLAP
"Our ship has just lost 82% of its power, our captain's head fused with plexiglass and we have an eleven minute window to escape certain death. Let's go to bed together."
2nd SLAP
"The evil bad guy, who has demonstrated Superman-like strength, has just killed two of our crew. Let's split up and walk aimlessly through the ship looking for him."
3rd SLAP
"I just found an unknown, odd, bizarrely pulsating alien object. I'm gonna open it up and stick my hand in it to see what happens."
4th SLAP
"We just picked you up from an abandoned moon in deep space and you can read my mind, which no other human being has ever been able to do. Neat. Let's go to bed."
5th SLAP
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, a cell phone for their first anniversary.
Susie was excited about the phone and the next day, while shopping, it rang and to her surprise, it was her husband.
"Hi, Susie," he said. "How do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand ..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
Sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done - Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
One day in heaven, George Bush saw Moses & walked up to him. When he tried to say hi Moses ran off. The next day George Bush saw Moses again. He then tried to say hi, but he sped off again. The next day when George Bush saw Moses he asked him.
" How come every time i try to say hi to you, you run off?"
Moses replied," Last time I saw a bush, I was stuck in the desert for 40 years."
I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you are full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is NEVER good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh....I see the screw-you fairy has visited us again.
11. I have plenty of talen
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed, and
whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did as he was told and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his desk, with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she tol
During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)
Remote controls in hotels are the worst! (Always carry your Lysol spray!)
An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -- while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 6 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 nosey workmen doing work in your home, will have examined the
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