Top Jokes
Mission to Mars
(Space Shuttle with two trained monkeys and a blonde astronaut)
The Mission Control Room in the US calls the Space Shuttle.
"Monkey 1, Monkey 1, report to communications for instructions."
The trained monkey sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.
So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later, headquarters calls again: "Monkey 2, Monkey 2,
report to communications for instructions."
Monkey 2 sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compar
Bob, an extremely wealthy 60-year-old, arrives at a country club with a beautiful and charming 25-year-old blonde.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob exclaims, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are shocked, but continue to ask, "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob replies, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 40?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her reply.
READ SLOWLY----THESE ARE RATHER CLEVER!
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that *leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: W
A candidate brought dice into the examination hall for MCQ. He started tossing the dice to select his answers. The superintendent just gave a glimpse at this candidate, as he passed by, as it is common to have students trying their luck. Very soon the candidate finished his whole paper and slept on his table. Half an hour later, the candidate sat up, and started tossing the dice again The superintendent felt curious, and approached the candidate.
Superintendent : "Gentleman, why are you tossing the dice again, since you've already finished all the questions earlier on?"
Candidate : "Sir, I have to double check my answers"
A lawyer died, and at the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven together. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.
Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a five-course meal including caviar, prime rib and chocolate truffles.
By
I slide to first.
I feel like I'm going to burst.
Diarrhea, diarrhea.
I slide to two.
My pants are filled with goo.
Diarrhea, diarrhea.
I slide to third.
I dropped a runny turd.
Diarrhea, diarrhea.
I slide to home.
My pants are filled with foam.
Diarrhea, diarrhea.
First its in the pants, then its on the floor.
I make a 20 yard dash to the bathroom door.
Some people think its funny.
Its coming out back runny.
Well, diarrhea.
A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck.
"Oh brother!" she cries. "Is that a doctor?"
St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."
Additional quotes made by physicians in actual medical records:
1. Discharge status: alive but without permission.
2. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
3. The patient refused an autopsy.
4. The patient has no past history of suicides.
5. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
6. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
7. Since she can not get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
8. She is numb from her toes down.
9. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
10. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
11. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
12. The patient
1. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.
2. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
3. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
4. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come in different colors with little "M's" on them.
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
6. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
7. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arrangement for grave robbing.
8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
9. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
10. Only item listed under
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