A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. The old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them!"

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know."

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

From a San Diego Father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children: There is no such thing as childproofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit. You should not thro

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Yo momma so dumb she thought a quarterback was a refund!

Little Bonnie became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?î

Feeling edgy, a woman took a hot bath. Just as she got comfortable, the doorbell rang. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, and went to the door. A salesman wanted to know if she needed any brushes. She slammed the door in his face and returned to her bath. The doorbell rang again. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, slipped on a wet spot, and hit her back against the tub. She struggled into her street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining her, the doctor said, "Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you just go home and take a nice hot bath?"

You Just Might Be A Redneck If... You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People." You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!" You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.' You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. One of your kids was born on a

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases. Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters,