If brains were fuel, you wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the edge of a penny.

Why didn't the zombie cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!

Yo momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale she said, "Wow, that's my phone number!"

Yo momma is so fat, when she stepped on a dollar she made change.

Yo momma's so fat, she has more rolls than the bakery shop!

There were two blondes sitting on the roof of a house. The ladder they had used to get on the roof fell down onto the ground. Blonde #1: Go get the ladder! Blonde #2: No way! If I jump down, I'll kill myself. Blonde #1: I know! I'll shine my flashlight down to the ground and you can climb down the beam of light. Blonde #2: No way! You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway down!

Knock knock Who's there ? Scold Scold who ? Scold out here, let me in!

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. "Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

What do you call frozen blonds? Frosted Flakes!

There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman stranded on an island. They see a cave up ahead. The Englishman goes in and sees some toast on a rock. He goes over to it but then a voice comes. "Dont eat the toast," the voice shouts. The Englishman runs out. The Scotsman walks in and sees the toast as well, the voice comes back. "Don't eat the toast." The Scotsman thinks it's his imagination but then he hears it again, "Don't eat the toast," says the voice,the Scotsman runs out. The Irishman wondering what's going on, goes inside. He hears the voice once, thinks nothing of it. He hears the voice again, still he ignores it. He picks up the toast and eats it. The voice shouts, "I war

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" Samson: "Hair" Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17." On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand." Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."