A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms. When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away. "What did you do that for?" he asked her. "I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.

Jerry: So you have both a nice mommy and a pretty mommy? Steve: Yup. They're lesbians.

Hey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale!

Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs? A. Because you might step in a poodle.

If brains were fuel, you wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the edge of a penny.

Why didn't the zombie cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!

Yo momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale she said, "Wow, that's my phone number!"

Yo momma is so fat, when she stepped on a dollar she made change.

Yo momma's so fat, she has more rolls than the bakery shop!

There were two blondes sitting on the roof of a house. The ladder they had used to get on the roof fell down onto the ground. Blonde #1: Go get the ladder! Blonde #2: No way! If I jump down, I'll kill myself. Blonde #1: I know! I'll shine my flashlight down to the ground and you can climb down the beam of light. Blonde #2: No way! You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway down!

Knock knock Who's there ? Scold Scold who ? Scold out here, let me in!

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. "Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."