Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school every day. He wanted to be like the big boys. He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss. "I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer. "That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'SHIT!'"

Yo momma's so fat, she has to go on three weight loss systems.

Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.

Yo Mama so fat that she bent over and got arrested for selling crack.

Yo momma's so tall, she did a cartwheel and hit Jesus.

Yo mama is so fat she has to get baptized in Sea World.

One day God said that he would grant anyone in line a wish. This one guy got stuck at the back of the line, which made him kind of upset. The people before him went on through the line, and everybody wished that they could be beautiful. The last guy came up to God and said, "I wish that all the people that wished they were beautiful were ugly again." The next time that you're last in line - be happy.

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me

There was a guy he had to deliver a package to the nearest town which took three days to get there. If he leaves on Friday and arrives on Friday how is that possible? He doesn't stop to rest. *His horse's name is Friday.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather, this caused a shudder among the waiting mass. The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses. Moses set down his load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said. "Friends, it was hard work and I have don