A man is sitting at his register and a beautiful young women comes in asking to use the bathroom. Even though she is beautiful the man refuses to let her use it. At least until she buys something. So she buys a pack of gum and then asks again. He says, "yes." She comes out a few minutes later, and in her most seductive voice starts talking to him, she slips her finger in his mouth and lets him lick it for awhile. After a while she pops her finger out of his mouth and says, "You're out of toilet paper."

A man is at the gates of heaven, but his life was very borderline good and bad; so St. Peter decides to have a contest. He gives the choice of the man answering a question or asking a question. If the man cannot get the answer he's asked or St. Peter can't answer the question then the man gets into heaven. The man decides to ask. He takes a piece of paper, pokes 1000 holes in it, and puts it to his butt and farts. He then asks St. Peter, "Which hole did my fart come out of?" St. Peter replies, "That's easy; this one," and he points to a hole. The man smiles and says, "Nope! It came out of this one!" and he points to his ass.

Three men, a French, Chinese, and American, decided to have a contest. They wanted to see whose dog could go the longest without going to the bathroom. The Chinese man won after a few hours. A news reporter asked him how he acheived such a feat. He replied, in a rather sing-song way, "Me Chinese, me no dumb, me stick rock up doggie's bum!"

A man was on a bridge as a news reporter walked by. She was told that if she didn't cover another story in 2 hours, she'd be fired. All of a sudden, the man starts to count "1,2,.." "Wait!" interrupts the reporter. "What is it?" "What are you trying to do?" "I'm going to commit suicide." "May I join you?" "Certainly." The two shout "1,2..." They're interrupted by a man walking down the street. "May I join you?" he asks. "Sure." "1,2..." As soon as the two men said 3, they jumped off, but the clever reporter stayed behind. "3,2,1, and cue!" "Good evening, I am just arriving at the scene of a crime. Two men just jumped off of this bridge."

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. "Can I touch it?" "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisian

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know t

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought 'Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer!' and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said 'Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.' The priest said 'Don't worry son, I got him with my

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to

After successfully passing the bar exam, a young man opened his own law office. One day he was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" the lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and shouted into it "...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, "Good morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?" "I'm from the telphone company," Mr. Jones replied. "I'm here to connect that phone."

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.