A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop. After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little. The gentleman said "Stop or slow down, what's the difference?" The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, "Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?"

~~You Know You're Having a Bad Day When... ~~ 1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists. 2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned. 3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. 4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 5.You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold. 6.You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. 7.Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. 8. Your income tax refund check bounces. 9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. 10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. 11. Your bli

WIFE : " I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day." HUSBAND : " I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday!"

What do fish paint with? Water colours!

Where do fish keep their life savings? At the river bank!

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What

If someone leads but no one follows... are they just out for a walk? Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them? Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime? Why is it that normal people are the ones you don't know? Why is it that when our kids are naughty we ask "Do you want a spanking?" What are they going to say, "Yes please, may I have two?"... Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts but have to put in your two cents worth? May I refuse to inherit the earth? Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small", $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "