And Moses looked upon the Lord and said: "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"

Wife: I always bring your picture with me everyday when I go to the office. Husband: Oh. That must be because you love me so much. Wife: No, it's because whenever I see your picture, I realize that however hard the problem is in office, I'm lucky with my work because there is a much bigger problem and that's you." Husband:Ouch!

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor. Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you? Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb? Doctor: Then why are you so happy? Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

Mr. Bean: (crying) "The doctor called, Mom's dead." Friend: "Condolence, my friend." After receiving a phone call, Mr. Bean cries even louder. Friend: "What now?" Mr. Bean: "My sister just called, her mom died too!"

AA and AA

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe" = No "I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry "We need" = I want "It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now "Sure... go ahead"  = I don't want you to "I'm not upset"  = Of course I'm upset, you moron! "We need to talk"  = I need to complain "You're certainly attentive tonight"  = Is sex all you ever think about? "Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs "This kitchen is so inconvenient"   = I want a new house "I want new curtains"  = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... "I heard a noise"  = I noticed you were almost asleep "Do you love me?"  = I'm going to ask for something expensive "How much do yo

A lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost. "Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down." The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy. The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like t

There were four blondes sitting on the bank of a river, each with a fishing pole intently concentrating on the task at hand. A Game Warden drove by and saw the four women fishing and decided to check for the proper fishing licenses and equipment. He approached the women and told them he needed to check for their fishing licenses and to his surprise, they all replied they did not have one. However, before the Warden could speak, one of the women spoke up and said, "Mr. Warden, sir, we are not fishing for you normal catch. We are environmentalist ridding the waters of garbage and other debris." "We are not fishing for fish." said one of the others. "We have poles, yes," another woman

Two women came before King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry my daughter!" said the other. And so, they haggled before the king until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," he said, "and I shall cut the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first woman. But the other woman said, "Oh sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man shall marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Ind

Librarian: "Please be quiet. The people next to you can't read." Boy: "What a shame! I've been reading since I was six."

A woman, who had just been married to a gambling man, had learned upon marrying him that he always came home well after midnight. She didn't like this one bit, and no amount of reasoning with him would make him miss a night out with the guys, so every night for a week she would stay up till he came home, and when she heard him enter the house she would call out: "Is that you, Ben?" She did this for a week, and then he started coming home promptly at 7:00 every night. Why, you might ask? His name was Jacob.