Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position; 1. a Japanese Samurai 2. a Chinese Samurai 3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!) The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground. The emperor exclaimed "That is very impre

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1. The DNA is all the same. 2. There are no dental records.

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say?" asked the nurse. "OOPS!"

Nothing has really changed, even though we think we've gotten smarter, and technologically advanced. We've just gone back to square one! "Doctor, I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." 2004 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Contractors outnum

Q: What do you call a sheep that does karate? A: A lamb chop

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A: They all have phones.

Why are Democrats better than Republicans in bed? You've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant, have you?

1. Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder! 2. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no Child a Dime! 3. Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just isn't Good Enough. 4. Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer! 5. Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism 6. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no Billionaire Behind 7. Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism 8. Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not Paying Attention 9. Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast 10. Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us! 11. Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars 12. Bush/Cheney '04: Asses of Evil 13. Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile 14. Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now! 15. Vote Bush in '04: Because Dictatorship is Easi

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat

"God give me patience....And make it quick!"

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend has a huge penis. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, "I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day wit