A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and

Authentic Claims from a Car Insurance agency... "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again." "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought." "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard." "I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car." "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have." "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control." "A car drove away at speed catch

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friend's mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritis. "Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritis boys and Art is the worst one!"

If Men Were in Charge of Weddings There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner." Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley! Idiots who tried to dance with the bride would get punched in the head. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man." There would be "Tailgate Receptions." Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. T

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reac

Mission to Mars (Space Shuttle with two trained monkeys and a blonde astronaut) The Mission Control Room in the US calls the Space Shuttle. "Monkey 1, Monkey 1, report to communications for instructions." The trained monkey sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen. A few moments later, headquarters calls again: "Monkey 2, Monkey 2, report to communications for instructions." Monkey 2 sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compar

Bob, an extremely wealthy 60-year-old, arrives at a country club with a beautiful and charming 25-year-old blonde. His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob exclaims, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" His friends are shocked, but continue to ask, "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" Bob replies, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 40?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her reply.

READ SLOWLY----THESE ARE RATHER CLEVER! 1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that *leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with 5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate 6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets 7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living 8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist 9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does 10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money 11. MISTY: How golfers create divots 12. PARADOX: Two physicians 13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower 14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm 15. POLARIZE: W

A candidate brought dice into the examination hall for MCQ. He started tossing the dice to select his answers. The superintendent just gave a glimpse at this candidate, as he passed by, as it is common to have students trying their luck. Very soon the candidate finished his whole paper and slept on his table. Half an hour later, the candidate sat up, and started tossing the dice again The superintendent felt curious, and approached the candidate. Superintendent : "Gentleman, why are you tossing the dice again, since you've already finished all the questions earlier on?" Candidate : "Sir, I have to double check my answers"

A lawyer died, and at the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven together. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes. Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool. At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a five-course meal including caviar, prime rib and chocolate truffles. By