Top Jokes
Yo momma is so fat I had to take five trains, eight cars,
and twelve airplanes just to get around her!
Blondes are like pool tables - every time you put a dollar in, she'll rack your balls.
1. Say "Darn, officer you must have been going fast to catch up with me."
2. When he approaches you, look at his gut and say, "Hmmm, I thought officers were supposed to be physically fit."
3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from
projectile vomiting.
4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to go fetch it.
6. Ask if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.
7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but I decided to graduate high school.
8. When he asks you to walk the line "Riverdance" instead.
9. Instead of pleading with the 5th amendment, plead with the 13th or 16th.
10. When he asks for
The slick defense lawyer was drilling the star witness, in an attempt to ruffle the mans feathers, and secure his own case. He began egging him on.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background" the lawyer sneered.
The witness replied,
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint fr
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
Three boys are walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is just looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out, "I am the ghost of Auntie Mabel and this five dollars stays on the table!"
The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again.
The third boy goes in, sees the five dollars and cries out, "I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!"
Three ants went to the beach to swim.
Two jumped directly in the water.
The other went back home and after an hour returned.
Why?
She forgot her swimming suit!!
"Danny," asked Mrs Waters, "What's usually used as a conductor of electricity?"
"Why- er..."
"Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?"
"The what??"
That's absolutely right. The watt."
A guy walks into a strip club and sees a really pretty girl right in front of him. He goes up to her and asks, "Hey, Honey, want to come home with me?" She says yes. They go back to his house that night and they have sex. Throughout this whole time he hasn't been able to see her properly. When she rolls into the moonlight, he caught a glimpse of her. "What, the...! What are you doing here?"
He had just realised that he was in bed wth his mother-in-law!
A white man, a Cuban, and a Mexican, are all sitting at a bar when the Mexican throws a taco out the window.
The white man asks, "Why'd you throw that taco out?" The Mexican replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of those."
Next the Cuban throws some weed out the window. The Mexican asks, "Why'd you throw that weed out?" The Cuban replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of that..."
Suddenly the white man throws the Mexican out the window. The Cuban, shocked, asks, "Why'd you throw him out the window?!" The white man answers, "Well..where I come from we have A LOT of those."
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