Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.

PARATROOPER A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper. "Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn''t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass." "Well did you jump?" asks his dad. "Just a little at first" answered the boy.

What do you call a short psychic on the lam? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A small medium at large!

How do you praise a computer? Say "Data Boy"!

Three men, two brunettes and a blond, are being chased by a tiger through the jungle. They get to a river and have two choices: 1. Get across the river without being eaten by pirannhas or 2. Get eaten by the tiger. They spot a genie and the genie says I can grant you one wish.. The first blond man thinks "I wish I can get across safely." He swims across and makes it without a scratch. The second blond man says "I want to be even smarter than the first man." He climbed onto a raft and paddled across. The brunette thinks "I want to be the smartest of them all". Instantly, he turned into a woman, and she walked across a nearby bridge.

One day, a cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,"You've been a good cat all of your life, anything you want is yours." The cat says"Well, I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wood floor." Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. The cat hops onto it and falls asleep. A week later, five mice die and go to heaven as well. God meets them at the gate and makes them the same offer. They reply "All of our life, we've been chased by cats, dogs, and women with brooms. If only we didn't have to run anymore...." They are each fitted with a custom pair of roller skates. A month later, God decides to check up on the cat. He asks "How are you doing? Are you happy

A doctor who works at the mental hospital wants to take his patients out to a baseball game seeing as they're so well behaved. He goes to his colleagues and asks them if it's ok. They don't want to let him take them in case they misbehave or do something wrong seeing as they're complete nutcases. But the doctor wants to show them that the patients are really good. So he brings them in and says, "Sit Nuts." And all the patients sit. He then says, "Stand Nuts." And all the patients stand. He then says "Talk Nuts." And they all start chatting. The other doctors are impressed and agree its ok. So they go to the stadium and the doctor leaves to go get snacks. When he comes back out everyone i

A man goes into a shoe store and asks to try on a pair of shoes. They were a bit snug. "Well, they feel a bit tight," says the man. The salesman bends down and feels around. He suggests pulling the tongue out, then asks, "How do they feel now?" "Well, dey shtill feel a bit thight"

A man is sitting at his register and a beautiful young women comes in asking to use the bathroom. Even though she is beautiful the man refuses to let her use it. At least until she buys something. So she buys a pack of gum and then asks again. He says, "yes." She comes out a few minutes later, and in her most seductive voice starts talking to him, she slips her finger in his mouth and lets him lick it for awhile. After a while she pops her finger out of his mouth and says, "You're out of toilet paper."

A man is at the gates of heaven, but his life was very borderline good and bad; so St. Peter decides to have a contest. He gives the choice of the man answering a question or asking a question. If the man cannot get the answer he's asked or St. Peter can't answer the question then the man gets into heaven. The man decides to ask. He takes a piece of paper, pokes 1000 holes in it, and puts it to his butt and farts. He then asks St. Peter, "Which hole did my fart come out of?" St. Peter replies, "That's easy; this one," and he points to a hole. The man smiles and says, "Nope! It came out of this one!" and he points to his ass.

Three men, a French, Chinese, and American, decided to have a contest. They wanted to see whose dog could go the longest without going to the bathroom. The Chinese man won after a few hours. A news reporter asked him how he acheived such a feat. He replied, in a rather sing-song way, "Me Chinese, me no dumb, me stick rock up doggie's bum!"

A man was on a bridge as a news reporter walked by. She was told that if she didn't cover another story in 2 hours, she'd be fired. All of a sudden, the man starts to count "1,2,.." "Wait!" interrupts the reporter. "What is it?" "What are you trying to do?" "I'm going to commit suicide." "May I join you?" "Certainly." The two shout "1,2..." They're interrupted by a man walking down the street. "May I join you?" he asks. "Sure." "1,2..." As soon as the two men said 3, they jumped off, but the clever reporter stayed behind. "3,2,1, and cue!" "Good evening, I am just arriving at the scene of a crime. Two men just jumped off of this bridge."