Top Jokes
An undertaker had a busy day at work, and in front of him, was 3 new bodies that had been sent from the hospital.
The first one his mouth opened wide. He then moved on to see the next body. It too had opened his mouth widely.
Surprised, he went over to the last body. This body was charred and had a huge smile on his face.
Feeling puzzled, he turned to ask the hospital personnel:" What actually happened to these people?
"Well.." replied the personnel, "The first man died from laughing too much at a joke."
"The second man died while telling a very funny joke."
"The last man..well, he died while taking a picture. At least that was what he thought he was doing. He thought that the ligh
There was once a very depressed man that went to see the psychiatrist. He was advised to go on a holiday to unwind and relax his mental and emotional burdens. Upon his return from the holiday, the man's assistant went to the airport to welcome him back.
Man: "How's everything here?"
Assistant: "Well, nothing much, but your dog died."
Man: "How did he die?"
Assistant: "Well, because he ate burned horse meat."
Man: "Where did the meat come from?"
Assistant: Well..your ranch caught fire and burned down."
Man: "What? How did that happen?"
Assistant: "It was the sparks from your house that started the fire on the ranch."
Man: "What? A fire broke out in my house?"
Assistant: "Yes, the
Once there were twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Hell no, in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked l
Once, there were three male dogs that set eyes on a beautiful female poodle. They all rushed over to her. Aware of her charms, she said, "I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an intelligent sentence."
Immediately the Lab said, "I like liver and cheese."
"No imagination at all," said the poodle.
Next was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted, "I hate liver and cheese."
"That's worse than the Lab," she replied.
Finally a tiny Chihuahua smiled at his opponents, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's ci
There was once a very stupid parrot that could only say: "Who's there?"
So one fine evening, while its owner was out shopping, the gas delivery man arrived at the door. He pressed the door bell and waited for the door to be opened.
At that moment, the parrot said: "Who's there?"
The man then promptly replied: "Gas delivery man."
The parrot then spoke: "Who's there?"
The man then repeated himself again.
After several hours, the owner returned home. He was shocked to find a man outside his door, foaming in his mouth.
Puzzled, he said:" Who's that?" A voice from inside the house replied: "Gas delivery man."
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside
Teacher to student: "I just read the composition on 'My House' that you had submitted."
Student: "Yes, is there anything wrong?"
Teacher: "No. It was excellent. It was exactly the same composition that your older brother submitted last year."
Student: "Well...we live in the same house..."
A young woman goes shopping and buys one bar of soap, one yogurt, one microwave dinner for one, one apple, and a romance novel. She goes to the checkout stand, where she notices that the clerk is staring at her. Flattered, she flutters her eyelashes and giggles nervously.
He says, "Single, huh?"
She replies coyly, "How did you guess?"
"Because," he says, "You're ugly."
On the sixth day, God created the platypus.
And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
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