One day, after I took my dog to the vet, I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up some milk. So I left my dog in the car with the window rolled down so she could breathe. Because my dog is small, she could fit through the window of the car, but she is well trained enough to follow my commands. So I told her, "Stay. Stay there, don't move. Staaay." A man loading his car with groceries next to me said, "You know, usually, I just put it in park!"

Practice safe eating ...Always use condiments.

What do you call it when you hear Vrrrrm.ERT.Vrmmm.Ert? Answer: A Blond at A Blinking Red Light.

I heard you got a baby. Dad: Yes, and I am very happy. So what about the wife? Dad: She still doesn't know.

Beauty is only a light switch away

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together, and have the time of our lives!

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has, tires, or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown." The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Tran-substantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me. Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.