Doctor: "Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work." Patient: "But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!"

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man Love, To forgive him and Patience, For his moods Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death

A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?" "At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will be able to find out where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be completely honest and spontaneous. From the gut. Please scroll down slowly and consider the scenario carefully. This is important for the test to work accurately. You're a freelance photographer in Florida. You are caught in a great disaster. A hurricane has caused great chaos and severe flooding. There are huge masses of water swirling around you but you somehow manage to crawl to safety on th

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of

Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret, not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath, I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong". "Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded. "I am going to have to send

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

"Why do you keep reading the Bible every day?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather. "Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar. 9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears. 8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks. 7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows. 6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl. 5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip. 4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds. 3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate. 2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand-knitted swea

The owner of a golf course in Knoxville, Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."