There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Four girls were playing a game of tag. All of them had really long names that were hard to say, so one person thought of the idea of giving themselves nicknames. One suggested thinking of funny names, so the really tall girl was named 'Shorty'. The really thin girl was named 'fatty'. The next girl was very 'girlish', so they named her 'tomboy'. The last girl was the hardest to pick a name for, because she was not tall or short, fat or thin, a girly girl or a tomboy. Finally it came to them. Now there is Shorty, Fatty, Tomboy, and Smarty.

Roses are red, Roses are yellow; Grandfather's teeth Are lost in the Jello.

You don't have any luck at all if: -The guarantee on your used car expires two hours before the car's engine does. - You start to go bald at the same time you reach puberty. -You get your BIG break and make the football team only to trip over the bench and break your leg. -You find a ten-dollar bill and get arrested when you try to spend it because it's counterfeit.

Waitress: "Would you like your coffee black?" Customer: "What other colors do you have?"

Tex: "My uncle can shoot a gun faster than any other man in the West. He can even shoot without removing the gun from his Holster." Rex: "What do they call your uncle?" Tex: "Toeless Joe."

The sheriff of a small western town was also the town veterinarian. Late one night the phone rang, and his wife answered it. "Is your husband there?" asked an agitated voice. "Do you require my husband's services as a sheriff or as a veterinarian?" She asked. "Both," came the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

Sam: "Where have I seen your face before?" Pam: "Right where it is now."