Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A: They all have phones.

Why are Democrats better than Republicans in bed? You've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant, have you?

1. Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder! 2. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no Child a Dime! 3. Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just isn't Good Enough. 4. Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer! 5. Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism 6. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no Billionaire Behind 7. Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism 8. Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not Paying Attention 9. Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast 10. Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us! 11. Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars 12. Bush/Cheney '04: Asses of Evil 13. Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile 14. Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now! 15. Vote Bush in '04: Because Dictatorship is Easi

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat

"God give me patience....And make it quick!"

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend has a huge penis. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, "I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day wit

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wi

A young couple decide to have sex for the first time so they go to the store to buy condoms. They find a popular brand and bring it to the register. The price on the box is $1.00 but when the cashier totals up the price it comes to $1.07. The couple asks what the extra 7 cents is for. The cashier replies back "tax." Then the young man says "I was wondering what held it on.

Your mama is so flat chested, the last time she had a breast was in a bucket at KFC.

A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything." He gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: "Where's my change?" Says the vendor: "All change must come from within."

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out, so he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased, so He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good,

Q: What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth? A: Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth