One day I asked my grandfather how to ice fish. He said all you need is a can of peas and a club. "Huh?", I said. "How does that work?" "Well," he said, "After you cut the hole in the ice you just place the peas around the edge of the hole! Then you wait by the hole with your club." "What does that do?" I asked. "Well," he said with a grin. "When the fish come up to take a pee, you hit him over the head with the club!"

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter." The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in. The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too." But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

For all of us who miss those great old tunes from the 60s and 70s, there's good news! Some of our old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate maturing audiences. Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash" Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker" The Beatles - "I Get by with a Little Help from Depends" Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone" Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made for Bunions" Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" ABBA - "Denture Queen" Leo Sayer

HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb. HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better. HOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance a

What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? You can drop her off anywhere.

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with? Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Mobile, Alabama to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

One day, a teacher at an elementary school asks one of her students how clouds form. She replied "I'm not sure how clouds form, but the clouds know how to form, and that's the important thing...."