Beauty is only a light switch away

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together, and have the time of our lives!

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has, tires, or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown." The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Tran-substantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me. Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So, she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a mini-van." But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home." Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home, because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" So, she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL".

Q: What do you call a non-churchgoer? A: A Seventh-Day Absentist

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?" He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."

This guy and a girl were in a golf cart and the guy drops his tees out of his pocket and the lady asks what is he doing? So, the guy says: I put my balls on them and I drive them.