10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar. 9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears. 8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks. 7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows. 6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl. 5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip. 4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds. 3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate. 2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand-knitted swea

The owner of a golf course in Knoxville, Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend asked, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income. INDIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You worship them. PAKISTAN ECONOMICS You don't have any cows. You claim that the Indian cows belong to you. You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, France for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment. You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world. AMERICAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise whe

-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets. -When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him. -Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice. -While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling. -Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water. -You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with a.... Misdewiener

Two Hindu swamis were in conversation. One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?" His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."

A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies, but out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it." He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work." "Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."

Carol's husband, Arnie, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was a woman's work! One evening Carol arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished. It turns out that Arnie had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Arnie even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.