The difference between the Pope and your boss.... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

A brunette said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

A man who had been shipwrecked on a desert island for several years is starting to feel the effects of being starved of sex for so long. However, the only living creatures on the island are a dog and a pig. One day, the man decides he's had enough and thinks to himself that it has to be the pig. But every time he approaches the sow for his moment of passion the dog bites the man's backside. This continues for several days and the man is beginning to get frustrated. But one morning, the man's luck changes: out to sea he notices a beautiful young woman on the point of drowning. He swims over, drags her out on to the beach and gives her the kiss of life. The woman comes to and is very grateful.

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. 'I feel tired all the time,' he slurs, 'My head hurts, I've got a sore bum, and I'm not sleeping. What is it doc?' Frowning the doctor examines him thoroughly before standing back. 'I can't find anything wrong,' he says.'It must be the drinking.' 'Fair enough,' replies the drunk.'I'll come back when you're sober.'

40-ish....................................49 Adventurer.............................Slept with all your friends Athletic..................................No tits Average looking......................Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful................................Pathological liar Contagious Smile....................Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated..........................Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure.................Medicated Feminist..................................Fat ball buster Free spirit...............................Junkie Friendship first................Trying to live down reputation as a slut Fun......................................Annoying Gentl