When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Not to worry: the man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

The difference between the Pope and your boss.... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

A brunette said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

A man who had been shipwrecked on a desert island for several years is starting to feel the effects of being starved of sex for so long. However, the only living creatures on the island are a dog and a pig. One day, the man decides he's had enough and thinks to himself that it has to be the pig. But every time he approaches the sow for his moment of passion the dog bites the man's backside. This continues for several days and the man is beginning to get frustrated. But one morning, the man's luck changes: out to sea he notices a beautiful young woman on the point of drowning. He swims over, drags her out on to the beach and gives her the kiss of life. The woman comes to and is very grateful.