This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment. Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without their middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. The longbow was a famous weapon. It was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated Fren

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just los

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt. The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God ga

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his medical services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun." The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send t

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming." 2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." 3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." 4.In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!" 5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be." 6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte." 7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." 8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." 9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully,

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?" Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine. When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked." Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough

Q: Why did the blond crash her helicopter? A: Because she was cold and decided to turn off the ceiling fan!

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit it onto all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out, and for no reason at all, you really stink.