Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Q:How many Men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 3! 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb, the other 2 need to be there so he can brag about the screwing part!

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?