The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!" The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?" The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree, I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts." "He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

Joe's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Denise agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Joe noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him, she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names! Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. "Denise" he said, "was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?" "Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

At a wedding rehearsal, the pastor told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him." The father, a department store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed his daughter's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed. The Frenchmen requests a Fillet Mignon, which he is served and then executed. The Newf requests a plate of strawberries. "STRAWBERRIES ????" "Yes, Strawberries." He is told, "But they are out of season!" "So, I'll wait."

There once was this kid named Oddy, He always missed the Potty, He went some poops, and shouted out oops, Because Oddy Missed the Potty

What did the number 0 say to the number 8? "Hey, nice belt!"

The Perfect Breakfast: You're sitting at the table and: your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties.... your mistress is on the cover of Playboy ... and your wife is on the back of the milk carton...

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict: Manslaughter! Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. "Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!

A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock. "Quick!" she said to the man, "it's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!" "Where's the back door?" the man asked as he grabbed his clothes. "There isn't one," she replied. "Where would you like one?" he asked.

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes. "Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now." A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes. "Wait a minute!" said the writer, "this is just as bad as hell." "Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."