Dear Abby: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby: What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR? Dear Abby: I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough t

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, $2,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

A cannibal took his young son for a walk in the jungle. They came across a beautiful, naked girl lying asleep on the ground. The boy got excited and said, "Let's eat her now, Dad!" But the father said, "No, I have a better idea. Let's bring her home and eat your mother."

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone..."

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. (Courtesy of Richard Lederer, Ph.D."Fractured English.") - By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. - The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet. - On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. - She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. - The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. - I will be happy to go into her GI system

An Italian doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Jus

Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how Old Mrs. Pierpoint is?" A few minutes later, Tony returned. "Well, is she all right?" asked the mother. "She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony. "At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?" Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples: - The future of "I give" is "I take." - The parts of speech are lungs and air. - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. - Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizeable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous...or what?" "Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.