Harry walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Harry, "I knew I could count on you!"

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven, so off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carl

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, b

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took many pictures of the Dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Snow White was so disappointed that she started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, "Don't worry, someday your prints will come."

A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied, . . . "Impersonating an office, sir!"

A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, "Well, I've always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger?" "Done," said the genie and disappeared. Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his "size." Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where he'd met the genie. "Problem?" inquired the genie. "Yes," the man responded, "Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish?" "And what might that be?" asked the genie. "Could you make my legs longer?"

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!" "They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell. "Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves. "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" "Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?"

Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!

When White man found this land, Indians were running it. No Taxes... No Debt... Plenty Buffalo... Plenty beaver! Women did most (all) of the work. Medicine Man free! Indian men hunted and fished all the time! Only White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that

There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die..... 1. To be shot 2. To be hung 3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly. The Italian said "Just hang me." With a snap of the rope he was dead. Then the Newfie said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot and the Newfie fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. The Newfie said "Give me another one of those shots." The guards injected him again and now the Newfie was laughing so hard that tears rolled down his cheek

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?