#1 rule of a redneck- If duck tape don't fix it (doubt it), mount it on the wall instead.

'Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving, But I Just Couldn't Sleep I Tried Counting Backwards, I Tried Counting Sheep. The Leftovers Beckoned - The Dark Meat And White But I Fought The Temptation With All Of My Might Tossing And Turning With Anticipation The Thought Of A Snack Became Infatuation. So, I Raced To The Kitchen, Flung Open The Door And Gazed At The Fridge, Full Of Goodies Galore. I Gobbled Up Turkey And Buttered Potatoes, Pickles And Carrots, Beans And Tomatoes. I Felt Myself Swelling ! So Plump And So Round, 'til All Of A Sudden, I Rose Off The Ground. I Crashed Through The Ceiling, Floating Into The Sky With A Mouthful Of Pudding And A Handful Of Pie. But, I Manage

A guy walks into a bar wearing a pair of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey buddy, don't try to start anything..."

These two fleas are sitting in Florida. One is shivering like crazy, saying "that has got to be the coldest ride I have ever had in my life!" "How did you get here?" asks the other flea. "I was in the moustache of some guy riding his motorcycle down the freeway." "That is no way to travel to Florida" says the flea."Here is what you do. Go to the airport and find a lounge. Have a sip of someone's drink so you are relaxed. Find a really pretty girl and crawl up her leg and under her dress.G o inside her panties and you will find a nice warm place to curl up and fall asleep. The next thing you know,you are in Florida!! Remember that for next time.We will get together next year and you can t

A woman was missing her boyfriend, so she decided to write him the following brief letter: Dear Anthony, I've been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool... nobody can take your place. I love you. All my love, Kathy xoxo P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery...

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, called his wife by many endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years, you still call your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name years ago."

Did you hear about the football game with the 0-0 score? Never mind, it's pointless.

With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. Here are a few of the new ones: DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyl

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women." The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing." "Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" "No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."

This man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and the bar tender asks him, "What's your newt's name?" and the man replies, "Tiny" and the bar tender says, "Why is he called Tiny?" and the man replies, "Because he is minute." (minute means small)

Yo momma so fat that when she sits around the house, she dosen't just sit around the house, she sits around the whole neighborhood.