As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly. "I did."

Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? A: Halfway.

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'" She said, "'No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"

"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid." "Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him." "But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms he has." "Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the doctor. "Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too." "Oh crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was steaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My persona

I cannot see, I cannot pee; I cannot chew, I cannot screw; Oh, my God, what can I do? My memory shrinks, My hearing stinks, No sense of smell - I look like hell My mood is bad - can you tell? My body's drooping, Have trouble pooping; The Golden Years have come at last - The Golden years can kiss my ass

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex." In unison they all replied, "You win!"

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."

In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. The researchers are at a loss to explain the phenomenon.