What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

Remember this story when they start getting frustrated: My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had,

AT LAST SOMEONE SUMMED IT UP... The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome and nice men are gay. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money. The men which are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. The handsome men without money are after our money. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and are heterosexual are shy and NEVER

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!"

If love is blind is then why is lingerie so popular?

What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane? Skeet

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin'," said the Irishman. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The man told his doctor that he just wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English... What's wrong with me?" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're simply a lazy old fart." "Thank you for your candor," said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I have something to tell my wife!"

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. "I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'Y

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ti

According to the Knight-Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible." The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.