A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

Your so ugly you remind me of an elephants bottom.

What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad? One says "Ribbit ribbit" and the other says "Rubbit rubbit".

A kindergarden teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog. She inquired as to whether it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?" she asked. "Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move!"

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion. Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again, before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again, the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall. The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here; just scream out something a

A man was driving up the interstate late one night when he was amazed to see a weird creature overtake him at a great speed. He accelerated in an attempt to catch up with it, but the creature was far too quick for him and he dimly saw it run off the highway on an exit. The driver followed, only to see it jump over a hedge and disappear into some woods. Nearby stood a farmhouse; the driver stopped his car, walked up to the door and knocked. The driver apologized to the farmer for bothering him and asked him about the creature. "Oh yes," said the farmer, "that's one of my specially bred three-legged chickens. I bred them so that when we have roast chicken for dinner, my wife, my son and mysel

A group of managers was given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. They got their ladders and tape measures and went out to the flagpole. However, the measurement job turned out to be much more difficult than any of them had expected, with some of them falling off the ladders, some dropping their tape measures and so on, and the whole thing had just turned into a big disaster. After a while, an engineer happened to walk by and saw what the managers were attempting to do. She walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, and laid it flat on the ground. She measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and then walked away without saying a word.

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you." The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a southwest airlines employee: "there may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane." 2. Pilot: "folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "thank you for flying delta business express. We hope you enjo