The phone call... A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?" "Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train." "Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?" "I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds. The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still wa

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track." "What sort of question would you ask Doctor?" "Well, you might ask them..." "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?" The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh - "You wouldn't happen to have a

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry." Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: "Will it take ME?"

The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes: "Parking for drive-through customers only!"

A blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor. Doctor: What was your dream about? Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire! Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what was the scenery like? Blonde: I was running in a hall way. Doctor: Then what happened? Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always came to this door, but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge! Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it? Blonde: Yes it did. Doctor: And what did these letter spell? Blonde: It said "Pull"

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodora

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared." So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!" "I ju

Top Ten signs your co-worker is a computer hacker 10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running. 8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. 7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down. 6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work. 5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net." 4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments. 3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among hobbies. 2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President." 1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, Profess

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as Soap and Water could get them." He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. The meal was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and called, "Here Soap! Here Water!"