What did the mother match say to the baby match? Don't scratch your head.

What do you say to a person who says that they are going to tell on you? You say: Too late, I already told.

One day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.

Why did the teenager cross the road? Because his parents told him not to.

Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope

Q: What is a man's idea of helping you with the housework? A: Lifting up his legs so you can vacuum underneath them.

Little johnny was going to school. Incredibly he found a genie and was given 3 wishes. "Can I have a piece of candy?" he said. "Kid, I am a powerful genie ask for something else." "Mmmm, ok, give me 2 pieces of candy." "You think I have time for such small wishes? Don't ask for something so small." "I want candy." "Ok kid here you go; infinite candy." "Cool, thank you." "Ok whats your second wish? Kid, i don't have all day." "But I still have 3 wishes.."

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.

What does the government have but never uses to make life simple? Their power!

A man was at a bar about to drink his drink. Then, a tough looking biker came and just drank the first man's drink. The first man said "Why did you do that? I have been having a horrible day. First, I wake up, am late for work, and get fired. Then, I come home to find my wife cheating, I get kicked out of the house, and I get beat up by a bunch of thugs. Finally, I was about to end it all by drinking that cup of poison that you drank!"

Name:_________ 1. Finish this pattern: a,_,c,d,e,f (hint, B) 2. If you are standing, what are you doing? (hint, standing) 3. Finish the sentence: I am a blond______ 4. Explain Einstein's theory, or spell cat 5. Are you writing with a pen/pencil or a tissue? (hint pen/pencil) 6. Spell the word chicken

Yo momma so fat that every time she turned around it was her birthday.