An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The man told his doctor that he just wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English... What's wrong with me?" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're simply a lazy old fart." "Thank you for your candor," said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I have something to tell my wife!"

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. "I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'Y

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ti

According to the Knight-Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible." The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy. When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him. But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, "Chief, is this coming winter going to be mild or cold?" Not really knowing an answer, and knowing it was better to err on the side of caution, the chief replied, "It is uncertain at this time, but we should begin to prepare just in case. Collect wood as if it is going to be cold, and I'll see what more I can learn." Being a good leader, he then went to the phone and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be mild or cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later, he again cal

A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three-year-old boy began in all seriousness: "Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name?"

And another four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

Pilot: "Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!" Tower: "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'"

A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??" The clerk says "Well, no..." With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."