1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far su

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. ** At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. ** I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a fla

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the fellow. "...And did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour!' She should be back any time now..."

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear

Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

Remember this story when they start getting frustrated: My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had,

AT LAST SOMEONE SUMMED IT UP... The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome and nice men are gay. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money. The men which are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. The handsome men without money are after our money. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and are heterosexual are shy and NEVER

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!"

If love is blind is then why is lingerie so popular?

What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane? Skeet

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin'," said the Irishman. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"