I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!

When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.

Laundromat sign: Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Sign at an office kitchen: After the tea break, the staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board.

antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.

Jack told me you told him that I told you that he was ugly, and I told you not to tell him I told you that! It's his fault! I told him not to tell you I told him what you told me! Well, don't let it happen again--and don't tell him I told you he told me.

A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.

Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.

I'm such an insomniac, the sheep fall asleep before I do.

Yo mama's so fat, when she walks by the television set you miss three episodes.