During the church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob." The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs."

Q: What is black and white and green and black and white? A: Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle. Q: What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and down? A: A nun churning butter.

Q: What is black and white and gooey and creamy? A: A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding. Q: What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound? A: A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer.

An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't u

If two black cats walk by each other, then do they both get bad luck? Does the more disgusting foods mean that they are healthier? When you get your first pair of scissors you need a pair of scissors to open the pair of scissors that you just got. So how are you going to get it open?

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

For all you engineers (and other geniuses) who have difficulty converting units .... 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong 7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling 8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon 9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz 10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoar

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops Off Shelf Teachers' Strike Idles Kids Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe Plane too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Killer Sentenced to Die For Second Time in 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, it May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Red Tape Holds up New Bridge Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas In Spacecraft Kids Make Nutri

9. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes. 8. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white. 7. Crying can be fun. 6. Fat clothes. 5. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch. 4. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience. 3. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 2. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible. And the number one thing only women understand... 1. Other women!

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for John. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tuesday: John wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when John brought a friend home for supper. Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. Thursday: Today John asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour b

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. "Howdy, stranger..." "Howdy, Sheriff..." The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on, Mister..." "Sheriff?" "Did I just see what I think I just saw?" "Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..." "And that cures them?" "Nope, but it sure keeps me from li

Carol was having trouble with her computer. So she called Glenn, the computer guy, over to her desk. Glenn clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Carol called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Carol's face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??" He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?" "No," replied Carol. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T