A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, "Why the long face, Ralph?" "Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me." His friend says, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?" He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?" He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president. Ralph says, "Su

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

"LEARNING CHINESE" That's not right: Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man: Dum Gai Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach?: Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table: Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here: Wai So Dim? I thought you were on a diet: Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone: No Pah King You are not very bright: Yu So Dum I got this for free: Ai No Pei Please stay a while longer: Wai Go Nao? Stay out of sight: Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air; then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while. Then the rabbi pee

Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "I just did, you moron!"

What a woman says: This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now! What a man hears: blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!

In pharmacology, all drugs have generic names: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, & so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today that they have settled on mycoxafailin. Also considered were mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin and mydixarizin.

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, church members, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The Pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..." The Pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence; everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at ea

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to read her book. Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said, " Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replied, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Ye

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"