Q. What did Stevie Wonder say about the cheese grater he got for Christmas? A. It was the scariest book he had ever read!

An American. an Englishman and a Chinese man were all taking part in a quiz contest. One question asked them was to fill in a blank in a song title and then spell the word. The song title was 'Old Macdonald had a ----'. The American was first to answer - he said 'ranch', spelt R-A-N-C-H. "Wrong" said the quiz master. The Englishman answered next - he said 'estate', spelt E-S-T-A-T-E. "Wrong" said the quiz master. Then the Chinese man answered - he said 'farm'. "Please spell it" said the quiz master. "E - I - E - I - O"

As part of his plan to let the Yanks know that he is not only still alive but ready to kick ass, Saddam sent a letter to George W Bush. The letter was immediately recognised as from the former dictator of Iraq and was detoxified and checked for explosives before being opened. In it was a single sheet of paper with the characters:- 370HSSV 0773H The president couldn't work out what this meant, so he had an aide type a copy and sent it to that very smart man, Donald Rumsfeld. The Secretary of Defence and his aides studied it for a week, using the most powerful code cracking computers the NSA could come up with, and were still stumped .They sent it to Langley, where the CIA similarly had no luc

If you were any more pointless, you would be a circle.

If your IQ was any lower you would trip on it.

Yo momma is so fat when she sits down in class she sits by everyone.

Yo momma is so fat when I put her on the family tree the branch broke.

Yo momma is so fat her belt size is the equator.

A woman went to a wishing well and wished that she could become a better driver. So she turned into a man.

Q: How many Lizzie's does it take to screw up a light bulb A: I Dunno, but it only takes one to screw up a graduation ( from movie lizzie McGuire: she ruins junior high graduation)

Did you hear about the blond who tried to hijack a submarine? She demanded $100,000 and a parachute.

You know something is wrong with today's educational system when you figure out that of the three R's, reading, writing, and arithmetic, only one actually starts with an R.