In a bi-partisan move, President Bush has nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General. "I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti," Bush announced. In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She's expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore. President Bush had recently arranged a meeting between Gore and Lecter. Lecter was the last person to see Gore before Gore's sudden disappearance in early January. Lecter noted that he, "enjoyed having Gore for dinner," but was upset at how Gore, or, rather the *subject* of Go

Things some people learn as they "mature." I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion - not proof - to destroy it. I've learned that, without a good mind, you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that reg

Next time you start to groan at friend's pun, ask yourself: Am I just being jealous?: "A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first." --Oscar Levant "Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted." --Fred Allen "A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents." --G. C. Lichtenberg

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You'r

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was properly equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the "toilet" facitilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up the the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". But after she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again and re-wrote the entire letter. This time, she referred to th

Before - You take my breath away. After - I feel like I'm suffocating. Before - Twice a night. After - Twice a month. Before - She loves the way I take control of a situation. After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac. Before - Ricky & Lucy. After - Fred & Ethel. Before - Saturday Night Live. After - Monday Night Football. Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars. After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done... Before - Don't Stop. After - Don't Start. Before - The Sound of Music. After - The Sound of Silence. Before - Is that all you are eating? After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey. Before - Wheel of Fortune. After - Jeopa

1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C: is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise - pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In Gates we trus

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you're Scottish HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle? VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. COGITO EGGO SUM: I think; therefore I am a waffle. RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead. QUE SERA SERF: Life is feudal. LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead. No kidding. POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous. PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown. MONAGE A TROIS: I am three years old. HASTE CUISINE: Fast Fren

Having been raised a Catholic and having gone to church some time in my past, I think these are still verifiable! AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS:

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and the police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.