An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She said to the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch and Rolex watch." "But you aren't wearing any of those things," said the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of first year medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. Willy: Me

That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man - as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 a.m. MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly." So Little Johnny asked, "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

A blonde girl was at school staring at a puzzle on her desk that she could not figure out. The teacher comes by and tells her, "You can solve it! Just use your head!" The teacher comes back to check on the blonde and she saw her head all bruised up. The teacher said, "What happened?!" Then the blonde says, "Well, you told me to use my head."

Zack and his mule were walking down the road when one of Zack's friends drove up and offered him a ride to town. Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70. "I'm worried about your mule," said the driver, "his tongue's hanging out." "Which way?" asked Zack. "Left," his friend said. "Well, stay in this lane - he's about to pass." shouted Zack.

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company; "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and t

Using the following list will most certainly keep your afternoons free and enable you to watch those cool Oprah and Sally shows. When filling out the job application form, under the heading 'Sex', instead of writing male or female, write in, "Not nearly enough, but I'm trying!" In the same form under the heading 'Have you ever been convicted of a crime?' answer, "Not yet." Show up late for the interview and try to rationalize it by saying, "My mom forgot to wake me again." This is in especially bad taste if you happen to be in your forties or older. When meeting the interviewer for the first time, shake his hand and say: "You look familiar. I'm sure I've seen you before somewhere.