A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.

What does the government have but never uses to make life simple? Their power!

A man was at a bar about to drink his drink. Then, a tough looking biker came and just drank the first man's drink. The first man said "Why did you do that? I have been having a horrible day. First, I wake up, am late for work, and get fired. Then, I come home to find my wife cheating, I get kicked out of the house, and I get beat up by a bunch of thugs. Finally, I was about to end it all by drinking that cup of poison that you drank!"

Name:_________ 1. Finish this pattern: a,_,c,d,e,f (hint, B) 2. If you are standing, what are you doing? (hint, standing) 3. Finish the sentence: I am a blond______ 4. Explain Einstein's theory, or spell cat 5. Are you writing with a pen/pencil or a tissue? (hint pen/pencil) 6. Spell the word chicken

Yo momma so fat that every time she turned around it was her birthday.

1. It is the new hip thing to rot your teeth. 2. They are highly non-nutritous. 3. In case of weak teeth, just bite into the hard candy. 4. For absolutely no good reason. 5. Makes you sick so that you do not have to go to school. 6. To get hyperactive so that you are not sleepy when you get out of bed. 7. Because the candy is saying, "Eat me!!!" 8. Because your tummy is growling and you think it is annoying. 9. In case you got an urge to suck on something. 10. Because the noises that the candy makes when it bangs against your teeth makes a relaxing sound for the mind.

A man is driving down the road when he spots 2 priests on the side nailing signs into the ground. The first sign says, "The End is Near!!" The man turns to look at the other mans sign and it reads, "Turn back while you still can!" The man then sticks his head out his car window and yells, "Leave everyone alone, you religious nutcases!" as he drives by. A few seconds later the two priests hear a splash. The first priest turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should just put up a 'Bridge Out' sign."

You are so ugly your mum has to feed you with a slingshot

Which came first - the chicken or the egg? It depends on who got laid first!

The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh no!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good new

Eight year old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

An elevator operator complained that he was getting tired of people asking him for the time. A friend suggested that he hang a clock in his elevator. A few weeks later, the friend inquired as to how things were going. "Just awful!" declared the elevator operator. "NOW, all day long, people ask me, "Is the clock right?" exclaimed the elevator operator.