Once a blond police officer stopped a man and asked for his driving license. She saw it and told the man "it says here that you must wear glasses" The man said "I have contacts" The blond said "I don't care who you know, you are still getting a traffic ticket"

George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality. When the stamps were released, Bush heard complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and he become furious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter. The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush. He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any, "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday," and I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon, when Janet knocked on my door and said, "You kn

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs." The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, he walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20 pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania. The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to

George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that`s them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We`re planning World War III". And the guy says, "Really? What`s going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde." The guy exclaimed, "Intelligent blonde! Why kill a blonde?" Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

It was opening night at the theatre and people came from miles around to see the the very famous hypnotist do his stuff. As the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The people had heard of the famous magic of the hypnotist, so the excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chant

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on. 3. Aren't you the guy from the village people? 4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me. 5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop. 6. Bad cop! No donut! 7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you? 8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school. 9. I pay your salary. 10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also. 11. Is that a 9 mm? It's nothing compared to this 44 magnum! 12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist. 13. Do you know why you pulled me ove

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". When the friend found out, she became angry and called the florist to complain. After she had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry she was, the florist said. "Madam, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location".

Did you know that nobody can lick their elbow? *75% of the people that read this try it*

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be'giddy up' ".

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings." The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose." The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt." The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?" "No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."